even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
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That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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