i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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