I'm eating all of the evidence.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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