I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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