Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
