my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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