I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
