I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
