Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
last night I used snow as a chaser
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
