Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
