I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
