His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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