ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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