Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
