Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
