i jhust puked up my retainher.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
