My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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