just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
