well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
