You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
