There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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