is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
