Taylor Swift is so right about you.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
