You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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