Hey man sorry I got all grabby
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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