I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
should my penis look like a turkey
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
