There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
