Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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