You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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