dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
