I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
