So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
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