Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
