Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
