I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize