he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
