A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
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Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
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you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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