We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
