Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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