i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
