I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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