I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Well I just put wine in my tea
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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