and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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