the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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