I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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