Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
