I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
