Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
