you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
