I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
