you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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