I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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