I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
