Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
