Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
