mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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