I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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