After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Two words: blizzard sex
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
