i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
